California - My home as I drive through it, and only as I see the late summer surf and mysterious oasis of beach umbrellas do I feel loyalty. Wind torn bluffs tell the story of the face on which they reside… the drunken, deserted snow angel. Never forget.
With each moment, we come nearer winter and my private winter in the rain. Prince Charming is off too regularly hunting foxes and Sleeping Beauty, unconscious in her tangled bedding, vandalized with mascara ravines faced with mountains and ocean, windmills and modest church houses are beauty in the infinite. Created by human hands, and human suffering, suffering to last forever while mountains erode in fast forward. Wish for hours of sleep and stop living forever. Hours and hours. Lost. Tiny boxes, poking their foreheads from the unnatural grass, containing all of life's losses.
Build a proper monument to pain, to sedate my needing… to hurt…
To screw up. To screw over… to screw.
I know not a single person… No one has known suffering or pain, and certainly not me.
But now I find myself again in the strange hold of my own self in love. Wishing I could crawl past the laces of my pretentious little black leather shoes because everything I'm holding is an illusion,
Even though I thought I was in control of my own creations, I'm not.
Those too, were deliberately self destructive.
Holding me from behind by the waist, keeping me from throwing myself against his floor, praying for unconsciousness. Lovingly calling me an orphan and forbidding me to go to the mountains. "You're a surfer girl. I love you."
With my fake complexion, fakelife, and fake conscience.
"You'd die in the mountains. We'd lose you. You'd lose you. You've barely got you now."
So find me.
I want your words to cover me. I want your body to tell me.
Both of you.
All of you.
I need all the love I deny myself from others. I say "You have enough from yourself to manage."
Listen to nothing I've ever said, I don't mean it.
I know you understand because of when you folded me up, when I noticed you played with your hair too much.
It's too bad you couldn't make room in your head for people like me, I didn't mean to scare you.
I simply thought deviation would be healthy for you.
Instead I gave you the sickness I've felt for this five day eternity
Surfacing also in all of our subterraneans.
Every time we say goodbye, I say 'I love you' in my mind.
And each time we say goodbye it becomes increasingly relevant.
And I remember five days ago, when my life was more than a
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