Carter (pdxcainite) wrote in emotions_exist,
Carter
pdxcainite
emotions_exist

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3..2..1..turn and fire.


I've got a headache right now. A headache that wont leave me alone. A headache that reminds me...reminds me of all the crap out there...but I do not care.
Walking in puddles of tears. Tears that came from the gray polluted sky. My feet aching. They ache from walking all this time. Never resting since they begin. The pain never leaving, only getting worse and worse. I would cry, but I numbed myself so long ago. So now I feel the pain, but I cease to care. I do not care.
The loud music makes me forget the things I need to forget to stay sane. The things out there that would make me decide, decide to end it all and move on. The conformity, prejudice, racism. All the hateful words spoken by the ignorant drain away in the wailing guitars and screaming vocals that flood my ears. I no longer hear them, and I no longer care.
I feel dizzy. My eyes can't concentrate. Things moving so fast around me. Making so much noise. I hear them banging in my head. Feeling each one, each and every God Damned one. All so close, so close to hitting me. Yet I stay, for I do not care.
My body aches, my teeth, head, hands, throat, all of it. Yet I seek no healing because I am not worth enough to care.
My soul hurts for I tell myself it should. Just because I'm telling myself it should. Yet I let lit consist, not turning myself in for abuse, abuse on myself, because I don't care.
Sometimes the pain gets so overwhelming. I feel as though I could scream. I feel as though I may once again be able to express my pain. I start to care. A voice slides up through me, I stand. I start to see in color again, I start to care. But, but then something pushes me. Whether it's part of me, or something else, I don't know. But it pushes me back, holding me down. Whispering into my ear, in a sickly sweet voice that I cannot ignore...
“No need to care, you're not worth it. No need to care, you're not worth it.”
I am in the stage of effect. I let it all go on, and I stay. I stay behind with the rest of them, the junkies, the dropouts, and the ignorant. Why? Because of the whispers...
“No need to care, you're not worth it. No need to care, you're not worth it...”
And then, I no longer care.

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